From the Heart

(Seriously, how pitiful can you get? And dramatic yes, I know this is dramatic.)

I sat down to write. My idea was to try and come up with something witty, something to make you laugh but unfortunately right now I just don’t have it in me. These past few days have been hard for me and to be honest fearful. You see I have what is called Postpartum Cardiomyopathy. This is not something I was recently diagnosed with I have actually been living with it for over 8 years now. That idea alone is one I have not processed.

For those of your wondering, postpartum cardiomyopathy is basically pregnancy induced hear failure. It is a very rare condition that comes on either during the last month of pregnancy or within 5 months of delivery. For me, I knew within days of having Eden, my oldest, that something was not right. I was in the Cardiac ICU for a few days and the hospital for several. I was told not to have more children. I had an amazing doctor and I did everything he told me to do. I took my medication, worked out as much as I could, followed the diet given to me and low and behold a miracle happened and my heart function increased. I was actually considered to be at a normal range. This was an amazing miracle.

Fast forward 5 years and I found out I was pregnant with Everly. Immediately panic snuck in. I knew the possibility of what could happen to me if I had another child but once all of the panic wore down I was also reminded that my God is bigger, bigger than any doctor and bigger than any diagnosis. I went through the entire pregnancy and birth without any issues. Test were complete and my heart was doing great. Then, when she was 3 months old I found out I was pregnant with Elle and again the worry set in. I mean, are you kidding me, I just beat the odds and had a baby no problem and here I am again pregnant? I knew this was it and of course I was scared but again God proved to be bigger and my heart was fine.

Now, here we are I have 3 beautiful little girls each a miracle and 2 of which I was told should never be here. They are the 3 most amazing little girls you could ever meet and I have the privilege of being their mom. But, this past week I was given a huge blow. After Weddingpalooza 2014 and when I thought life would settle down, my body had a different idea. Over the weekend I landed myself in the ER, I knew something was wrong. Every test was run and everything came back normal. This was very encouraging.

The next afternoon I was able to get in with my cardiologist and additional test were done including the one I hate the most, the one with all the answers, the Echo Cardiogram. This dang machine can either be my best friend or my worst enemy, on Monday it was my enemy. It showed the news that my heart function had decreased. In that moment sitting in the doctors office with a sweet tech who just let me cry as much as I needed, I  listened to some of the scariest words anyone could say.

I mean seriously are you KIDDING ME! I have 3 babies to raise, I have a husband to grow old with, I beat the odds twice. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

I have spent the last couple of days just in a daze trying to figure out why. I just keep looking at my kids and saying WHY?

Why seems to be the easiest thing to say when given a situation like I am in but I have 2 options, I can continue to sit and wallow in my self-pity or I can get living.

So, today I am going to get living. I am going to look at all of the good that is going to come of this and remember that once again, my God is BIGGER. He is bigger than a diagnosis and He is still the God of miracles.

Thanks for sticking with me today as I pour my heart out to you. Michelle and I are so grateful for this little community that is starting to form here at MWOA and cannot thank you all enough for the support. Please pray for me as we maneuver through this journey and please pray for miracles, I will keep you posted!