We have already touched on the 5 Things Moms Are Not Allowed To Do,
But lets’ chat a minute on the things that we, as mothers, just aren’t supposed to say.
At least not out loud.
For whatever reason, whether it is fear that someone will judge you, or maybe call you a “bad mom” these are some things that women think but don’t like to actually say out loud. I have found many a mommy confession website or forum with women pouring out their mom secrets, and half of them are all things I myself have thought at one point in time.
Maybe it makes me a bad mom? Or maybe it just makes me honest.
1) MY KIDS CAN BE REAL JERKS
They just can be. They are cute, and I love them like crazy, but they can be mean and spiteful. They are selfish and throw the craziest fits over the oddest of things. The other day, one of the twins threw a 30 minute tantrum because I fished out the toy truck he had thrown into the toilet and he wanted it in there. So he cried. And he cried and he cried some more. And when I left the room, he stopped crying, followed me into the living room and then re-threw himself down on the floor back to his fit of rage.
2) I MISS MY OLD LIFE
That one can be a tough one for us mamas to admit to. Perhaps because in saying it out loud we feel as though we are some how wishing away our children?! But for me at least, that isn’t the case at all. I feel that I can miss my old life and love my new one just the same. I miss sleeping in, peeing without an audience, picking up and going whenever I wanted. Those were all great things, that now as a mom are pretty much near impossible. I get to sleep in still, but “in” is now 7 am as opposed to the 9-10am it once was in college. The peeing without an audience is pretty self explanatory and Channing hit that on the head in her post. Picking up and going out on a moments notice just isn’t a reality for me any more. I don’t do anything “fly by the seat of my pants”. A simple park excursion takes a good hour or two to prepare and pack up for. Bug spray, sunscreen, snacks, shoes, potty trips. Actually getting 4 children loaded in the car. Nothing happens quickly when corralling 4 kiddos.
3) I MISS MY OLD BODY
Again self explanatory and perhaps a little vein, but I am sure it is true for a lot of moms. Pregnancy is truly an amazing and blessed experience, but it does a serious number to your body. It isn’t just the belly that grows. And once the baby is out, things don’t just go back the way they were. Channing and I were touching on this very topic over the weekend when she had a traumatic dressing room experience and called me for support.
4) MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SPOUSE WAS BETTER BEFORE WE HAD KIDS
For me, this isn’t true because I came into my marriage with a child, and got pregnant a hot minute after saying “I Do”. It is something though I hear very often throughout the blog world and among peers. Having kids will 100% shake up a marriage. There is no doubt about that. Again, there will be no spontaneous date nights {unless of course you have a Nana and PaPa close by} and finding time for intimacy can be a challenge. Especially during pregnancy or with small children in the house. Between work and caring for children, marriage and taking time for your relationship can easily slip to the back burner and that is where I can see where one would think their marriage is fizzling. I could write 800 blog posts on my thoughts on this topic, but I will spare you for now. We are sticking with the hard truths, and one of those being sometimes a marriage suffers when you have children.
5) I GIVE UP/I QUIT
Being a mom is one the hardest jobs out there. Unlike most jobs though, when the going gets tough you can’t submit your two weeks notice. No matter what challenges motherhood will bring, you are in it for life. It doesn’t end when they leave for college. Good night I am 31 years old with four kids of my own and my mama still worries and checks in on me almost daily. It’s just what mamas do. I imagine I will be the same with my own children.
I think most of the time, we don’t say these things out loud for fear that we will seem ungrateful. But I don’t think of myself as ungrateful. I think it is ok to express {even out loud} something that I miss prior to my children. Or that I don’t always think my children are angels. I love them with all that I am and that will never change no matter what they act like. I love my life. Even if I am heavier than I once was, or I can’t run out the door at a moments notice. I wouldn’t trade where I am now for anything. But, I also think it’s ok to have a rough day and if you happen to have that rough day, I think it’s ok to vent about it to a friend without fear of judgement. I truly believe being open and honest with myself and other moms by saying the hard stuff can be beneficial. Help lift a weight we are carrying or some kind of guilt we haven’t let go of. More times than not, another mama out there is carrying around that same weight. That same guilt. Thinking she is alone or a “bad mom”. And just knowing your aren’t in it alone, not feeling like you are in someway failing alone, makes it all a little easier.
Do you have anything you are afraid to say out loud? Worried you will look like a bad mom? I promise this will always be a safe space. It’s the reason Channing and I created this blog. If you have been holding something in that you need to get off your chest, talk to a friend. Or you are welcome to leave an anonymous comment, shoot us an email, or whatever you wish. We promise we won’t judge. We will relate, we will support and we will give you that pat on the back that you may need.
Great post Michelle. Yes… all of these things. This weekend we were at my niece’s birthday party and there was a really adorable photo of her taken. My brother said, “Please send that to me. I like to have those on hand for the times I can’t stand her.” Isn’t that parenting in a nutshell? Some days (or even moments) you can’t even believe how much you love them, and then something switches and you wonder how your amazing child could possibly be acting like this insane child that you SWEAR is nothing like you.
Love you girls. You’re amazing moms!
Apparently I have no fear, and I have always cared very little what others think of me.
I say things like that all the time. Guess what? Other parents have told me that they are glad that I do because they were too afraid to say it themselves. Why hide and bottle things up when it’s unhealthy for us? Why not talk about issues that affect millions across the world? We shouldn’t. There should be open discussions about so many things, but so many seem to be afraid of the opinions of people that hate themselves so much, that they take it out on others.
I have to apologize, but those are things that I do say. And furthermore I even offer my son that if he shouldn’t be satisfied with his mother, he is always free to go live with his father (who lives 4 hours away). I don’t say these things in a spiteful or mean way, just matter of factly….. we do love each other alot, my son and me…
Hello ladies, I love this post! I am one of those people who never really cared what anyone thought of me, once I had children that did not change. I have received a few disapproving looks in my time when I speak reality about my children. Luckily I have a best friend who is just like me and he and I are able to talk freely with each other when venting about our children. Don’t get me wrong we are not mean and don’t say anything out of line but it’s amazing the looks we get simply being honest. I love my children of course and I wouldn’t trade them for anything but let’s face it, kids are selfish and cruel and really don’t have much of a scope beyond themselves. I have my own ways of parenting and many people don’t agree with them but I honestly don’t care and have no problems telling them so. Being a parent is hard and there is no instructions to tell you how to do it and you really don’t know if you are doing the right thing. All you can do is your best and hope you did well and they don’t end up being Jeffrey Dahmer or something. It is a daily battle filled with trial and error and it is never-ending. Of course you miss life before them and yeah kids can be jerks they are people after all. The point is EVERY parent feels like this at times and if they say they don’t they are lying. We are people simple human beings, imperfect and very much infallible. It’s a beautiful and truly helpful thing to stand up and say “hey this is reality and you are not a bad parent for feeling this way and most importantly you are not alone.
wow. Thank you for writing this.
The other day I had a pang of regret- I came into my marriage with my daughter and just found out in pregnant again. We never took a honeymoon and I thought, with a VERY guilty conscience, that I wished my husband and I could have had some time together with just the two of us. It actually made me very sad.
Thank you for being willing to put these in writing- it makes me feel like I’m not alone, even though all of these weren’t true for me.
Wow, this article was perfect! My best friend had her daughter a year ago, about six months after my first son was born and we talk about this stuff together all the time. We both felt the same way, that people wouldn’t understand that though we love our children, sometimes we can’t stand them. We share little tricks that we learn about or experiment with and try to make the experience easier but having someone to vent to that understands exactly what’s going on helps the most.
Maybe it is age, I had my daughter when I was 31, she will be 10 this year, but I don’t feel this way now nor did I feel this way when she was a baby. I do not have any issues with her. In my eyes she is perfection. Even her little quirks are adorable. She is not perfect. Neither am I. She is human. I believe you get what you give! If you are having these days maybe you are creating these rough days. My husband and I had our days, single days, college days, married days and now as parents for 18 short years. Consider embracing what you have! Life is short enjoy it!
im a ftm and due in December but i had a little brother. i loved him like he was my own. i had to raise him for part of his childhood and yes these are all true. i would add one thing tho.
everyone always expects women to enjoy pregnancy. pregnancy is hard, it hurts in places you didn’t even know you had, you weigh more than you’ve ever weighed (along with all the other physical changes going on), and your trying to prepare to be a mom all at the same time. they say “you did this to yourself” but seriously. can i not have a moment when i can just lay back and complain?!? come on. its the hardest thing your body can handle and yet we need to smile and be pleased that we throw up everything we eat? i only wanna taste my food once thank you very much
I understand this too. I have a two year old, I love her dearly. But it’s really hard when I plan something fun for us and she just isn’t into it. It seems like a waste of precious energy. I’m pregnant at the moment and it’s hard to get up and go. Her tantrums have been a lot to take recently. Daddy works A LOT, and maybe helps one hour or so in the afternoon. But during that time I’m cooking dinner or cleaning. No family in the area. Only one car. When I do get the car is wonderful, and helps so much. but its rare.
It’s nice to know other moms feel this way from time to time.